Memorable Rachel Quotes

Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better?
Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel: You shouldn't.

Rachel: Wha... married?
Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married!
Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?

Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

Rachel: [throws off her light blue robe and gasps at herself, completely naked] Oh! Look what happened...
[looking about, thinking to herself]
Rachel: Check me *out*. I'm in my kitchen... *naked*.
[shrugs, picks up an orange]
Rachel: I'm pickin' up an orange... and I'm *naked*.
[puts the orange down, heads over to the couch with a smile]
Rachel: I'm lighting the candle... *naked*. And carefully.

Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China.
[notices Rachel has brought flowers]
Ross: What are those?
Rachel: Oh, these?
[begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie]
Rachel: These are for you; welcome to our country.
Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York.

Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Ross: Okay, there you go.
Rachel: Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.

Carol: [Rachel has come over to tell Ben to stop playing practical jokes on his parents, one of them being replacing sugar with salt]
[calling]
Carol: Rachel, do you want sugar with your coffee?
Rachel: Uh, yeah- wait
[to Ben]
Rachel: do I want sugar in my coffee?
[Ben shakes his head]
Rachel: No, no sugar, Carol!

Dr. Leonard Green: [Rachel has just told her father she's pregnant] Pregnant! Rachel Karen Green, tell me you're not pregnant!
Rachel: Well, yes and no; except not no.
Dr. Leonard Green: Who's the father?
[looks at Phoebe]
Dr. Leonard Green: Please, tell me it's not her!
Rachel: No, no, Daddy; it's Ross, Ross Geller; you like Ross. C'mon, Daddy; you're going to be a grandfather. You're going to be a 'Poppy'!
Dr. Leonard Green: [sniffling] You're right. I'm going to be a 'Poppy'. Okay, when's the wedding?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Leonard Green: The wedding! Rachel, don't tell me there's not going to be a wedding! Don't tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard!
Rachel: Uh, February 2!

Joey: [during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus'] Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'.
[notices Rachel is also laughing]
Joey: Erectus?
Rachel: [stifling laugh] No, 'homo'.

[Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]
Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire.
The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it
as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water.
Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: If that happens now, you're going to feel SO bad.

Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

[Ross is wearing a white suit]
Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders.
Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something.
Rachel: Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?

Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone.
Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry.
Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every little thing?

Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

Rachel: Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Rachel: Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need?
Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing.
Rachel: Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything.
Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie.
Rachel: Okay, that is all you.

Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross.
Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.

Rachel: Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming.

Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay.

Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point. Rachel: A moo point? Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense? Rachel: Come on. You guys can pee standing up.

Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows.
Rachel: Yeah.
Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them?
Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?

[talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler]
Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players.
Monica: Oh, I already have one.
Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist.
Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.

Rachel: God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride.
[Shows Phoebe the picture]
Rachel: And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.

[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel: What are you a detective?

[Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby]
Ross: OK, how about Ruth?
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?

Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah, I got that.

Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right?
Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?
Rachel: [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open.
[pause]
Rachel: ha, I made you look.

Tommy: So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies.
Rachel: Yeah, ok, At ease soldier.

Rachel: Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional.
And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour.

Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend?
Phoebe: A month.
Monica: Really? I'd say two or three.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.

Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.
[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad]
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?
Woman: Amanda.
Rachel: Oh... I get it. A-man-duh.

Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

[When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him]
Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe?
Rachel: Not right now.

Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible.
Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.

[after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward]
Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things...
Joey: I know. I know.
Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this.
Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit.
Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that.
Joey:/b> Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward.
[long, awkward pause]
Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.

Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing!"

Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

[Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it]
Rachel: I will have the uh,
[whispers]
Rachel: side salad.
Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of?
Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

Rachel: [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone
had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

Ross: Seriously?
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair.
[she starts crying]
Rachel: And it was uneven for weeks.
Ross: [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie.

Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there.
[pause]
Rachel: And I was thinking Claire Danes.

Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay?
Rachel: Now I love you even more.

Ross: [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [from behind] I got off the plane.

Rachel: It's sick!
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

Joey: Do you practice losing at the Grammys too?
Rachel: No, at the Grammys, I always win.

[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee,
or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
[kisses him on the cheek]

Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.

Phoebe: [Rachel's hormones are raging] She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month?
Monica: Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me.
Phoebe: Did not!
Monica: Yes, you did.
[puts on a seductive look]
Monica: Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on.
[blows Monica a kiss]
Rachel: Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!